Krysia Dumpty

I'm 29 years old, married and have two kids. I work full time as a pharmacy technician. I'm also broken. If someone would've told me that at the age of sixteen I would go through a depression so deep that I would contemplate taking my own life every day, I would've said, "No, not me. I'm too strong willed. I've got plans for my life." But it happened. Twice in fact. Thankfully, I'm still standing here today, with my hubby and two beautiful children whom I absolutely adore.

For a while now, I've been a little overwhelmed. I thought that the stresses of having two kids, one whom is still breastfeeding and NOT sleeping through the night, in addition to my job and the financial concerns of sending my husband back to school full time, were starting to wear on me. I told my boss that I needed some vacation time; time to relax and do what I wanted to do. And I did just that.

Then the fatigue set in. I noticed that since I was out of the mandatory bustle of the pharmacy and I had the leisure to move at my own pace, I was extremely tired all day. I definitely wasn't getting a good nights sleep to start. Ellison is still waking up 2 times a night to feed and very cranky herself when the pipe isn't in her mouth. I'm waking up 6-10 times just to put her pipe back in! During the day all I want to do is sit and watch TV or read. I can only describe it as a general feeling of laziness.

My mood lately is a little off. I have a fairly constant feeling of being "down". No reason, just feel a bit blue. I feel no motivation to do anything, and the aspect of my life taking the brunt of that is attending bible study. I'm so sorry, my friends. But just the thought of going makes me want to burrow myself into my house as much as possible. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING that isn't absolutely necessary to my family life.

I've been going in circles trying to figure out what is wrong with me. At first, I thought it was a little of the baby blues, making a late appearance. Then, I thought it was the hormones. I thought that since my hormone levels are screwed up anyway, then to add breastfeeding on top of it, that my body was a little off and can't get back on track. And my most recent conclusion was... the weather. Lame, I know. But, with daylight savings time forcing darkness on us when we wake and go to sleep, and the mostly cloudy all day grayness that covers us all day, I thought for sure this would have been the problem. Well, it turns out that all three of these are contributing factors to an underlying problem.

I'm broken.

Depression was something that I was hoping to be done with. I feel so different than the last time that I thought, "No, it can't be. I'm not crying all day. I have no thoughts of suicide. I'm just not doing something right." I talked to my doctor's office today, and I'm going to meet with my doctor next week. I have a feeling I know what she's going to say, and that going on medication is going to be part of her solution.

At some point I think I need to accept that this may always be a part of who I am. I don't know why God is allowing me to go through this again. Part of me wants to turn my back in Him because I feel He's broken a promise to me. I know that there HAS to be a reason for this, but also that I may never know why. Right now, all I can do is be the best wife, mom, and pharmacy tech I can be until I'm completely healed and put back together again.

Happy Halloween!

Garrett has been obsessed with pirates for a while now. So I went online and found a pirate costume available at Target. I wish I would've tried it on sooner, because it was a little on the small side, especially when trying to layer clothes underneath. It worked out okay.

For some reason Garrett always does this cheesy smile.

At least he's smiling though!

Ellison was my little ladybug; a costume borrowed from one of my co-workers (thanks Pina!).

It was pretty cold. We took a little tour around the cul-de-sac, then brought Ellison home. Doug took Garrett out to a few more houses before Garrett was too cold to do any more damage on the candy supplies of the neighborhood.

Fall fun

Last year I got this cute picture of Garrett laying in the leaves.

He looks like I've always remembered him...

Until now. Now I see this little man emerging. I look at him and the babyness is almost gone. Very sad moment for Mommy.

However, I see the love and tenderness he has for his baby sister. She doesn't know it yet, but she's very lucky to have a big brother like him.

I hope he's always willing to look out for her, and help her learn and grow like he is right here.

Okay, so maybe I'm unrealistic in hoping I can always get great pics of the two of them together.

At least I'm always guaranteed great pics. I've got the cutest kids in the world!

Her smile is going to be devastating to any man when she's grown up... how terrifying!

Our Halloween pumpkins... Mine...

Garrett's and extra that Doug carved. Frankenstein actually turned out to be a good choice because this particular pumpkin had a tumor on its head that made for difficult carving.

Doug's cyclops pumpkin.

Swings and Smiles

One particularly unrainy day, I took the kids outside to get some fresh air. Although it was really brisk and borderline cold, we still enjoyed some time playing outside. Garrett was so excited to go on the big boy swing. He's got one of the cheesiest fake smiles I've ever seen!


Ellison can now sit up on her own. She did really well sitting by herself watching me push Garrett on the swing. She only toppled over a couple times, and even found some interesting things to play with (grass, sticks, but thankfully not poop!). And I have to say that she is the most adorable little girl EVER! I love how blue her eyes look in this outfit!

Delightful girl, precious smile

And Doug?... Well let's just say that he feels the need to initiate ALL our children this way. I don't know why... it's not really funny... and yes, her pants are on her head.

Ellison also started "solids" this week. Although nothing she's received so far could be classified as "solid". It was so soupy the first time she could have drank it through a bottle! Here's a video of her first feeding (warning- its a little long because I forgot to edit it). If you listen real well, you can hear all the "kissy" noises she makes!

Update...

Things have been... going. I feel like I've been running around like crazy, but not really accomplishing anything. The kids, on the other hand, are growing and learning everyday, with tangible results.

My little girl looks SO grown up!

And her smile is just so precious to me


Hmmm... let me think.

I LOVE this look on her face! It just make me wanna cry.

Garrett so abnormally engrossed in the TV... ;)

Ellison loves her big brother, and Garrett loves when she wants to touch him.

Goofy boy!

So how many rolls can you count? Doug's new nickname for her is "The Michelin Baby"

Again, with that smile!

A few weeks ago, Doug bought training wheels for Garrett's big boy bike, and attached them to see if he was ready for it. The bike is still a little on the big side, but workable. Garrett was so excited to be riding his big boy bike, and I'm fairly certain that his smile reflects it.

*Warning- it was pretty windy during the taping, so make sure your volume is low*

Garrett is still infantile in the fact that when he can't see someone, they're gone, and they can't see him either. He LOVES to hide, but hasn't gotten the idea of getting out of other people's sight to be effective.

Crazy Days

WARNING: No pics in this update, just a lot of complaining.

With that said, for those of you that are still reading this, the last week has been very draining- emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I've been having some trouble staying focused on just doing my job. It seems that all the bullsh** politics that are happening at corporate are slowly trickling down into my little home at work. There's a new head honcho in corporate that is taking it upon herself to change EVERYTHING she can, just because she can. These changes are not discussed with anyone that it directly affects, and these changes are not necessarily for the better. It's causing a lot of rifts at work, and my work environment is no longer a fun one. Some days its okay, but for the most part, we're hearing of new changes every day, making me dread each and every day that I'm there. Most recently, my boss approached me about having to change my work schedule. I specifically don't work on Wednesdays because I don't have child care. Now I have to, and basically my kids are SOL and have to stay with just anyone, according to my boss. Sorry, but my kids are my number one priority. (Okay, technically they should be number three- God, Doug, kids... but they are definitely over my job). The rough part is that I HAVE to keep my job until Doug graduates nursing school and gets a job. If I lose my job, Doug loses insurance, and we canNOT afford his meds without it. Luckily I have it worked out with my fabulous mother-in-law to watch them 2 Wednesdays a month. I'm just praying for enough strength to continue to take whatever they dish out for 2&1/2 more years... then I can relax a bit and not have to carry this burden on my shoulders.

Garrett has been very sick the last few days... the LONGEST few days of my life. He started with diarrhea on Tuesday, had diarrhea and vomiting on Wednesday and Thursday, and still vomiting as of 1:30 this morning. I've been home with him through all of this. I've never done so much laundry in this short of time in all my life. He's slowly starting to feel better, and I'm hoping he's done with this soon, and no one else gets it in our house. So far, Ellison is doing fine, but she could start it up at any moment. I think I might have to crawl into a hole and cry for a few days until it's over if she gets sick too.

I've also been concerned about her eating. She's still breastfeeding, but lately she's not feeding as long each time. She gets distracted so easily and won't finish. I've noticed a small decrease in my milk supply, which always concerns me. And now, she's taken to biting. Luckily she doesn't have any teeth...yet. I think that's why she's biting; I think she's got some teeth that are pushing their way through and the pressure of biting my nipple must feel good. Yes, ouch is right. But the big bummer for me is that I started my period this week. When I first started, I was very mad. Then I was really sad about it. It's really hard to explain why, but I felt like something important had just ended. I really felt like my body was trying to tell me that I can't breastfeed anymore because I just started my period. I realize how irrational this is, and that I CAN breastfeed after I've gotten my period back... but it was just a huge feeling of loss that I can't explain. I talked to my friend EB about it and she did make me feel a little better by explaining that most women start their period around this time after having a baby, and you most certainly can still breastfeed as long as was your original intent. But it still doesn't help this little bit of sadness I feel. I mean, really... who's going to get excited about maxi pads, tampons, cramps, and bloating?! Oh well. At least I can still breastfeed, right?

On top of all THIS, is extreme exhaustion. I haven't had a good nights sleep since the weekend. With Garrett waking up at night and barfing, laundry and cleaning all day, juggling a baby who wants to be held with a sick toddler who wants to be held, not to mention having to carry two kids out of the doctors office by myself (thanks ANY kind stranger for bothering to help me- sarcasm), Ellison still eating twice a night, then work shifts earlier this week and physical therapy, I feel like I could pass out at any moment. I did actually fall asleep in the chair while Garrett was watching TV this morning. This fatigue is something I've felt before, when the kids were first born. But when everything happens out of the blue, my body has a hard time adjusting. "Calgon, take me away!" Oh, how I wish...

Overall, everything is going okay. I guess I can't handle it all the way I used to is because of rampant PMS. That's the way I'm trying to look at it...

To do or not to do...

I have a idea tumbling around in my brain and I can't come to a decision. True, I've only been thinking about this for 1 night, but I can't stop contemplating this as a possibility. Before anyone gets too excited to find out what the heck I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain unless I make the decision to do it. I want to make this decision on my own, with no outside influence. I have to do this for the right reasons or its not going to work. This could be a big change for me, but this would first require that I change the way I think, which is harder than the task itself.

Why is it always harder to change how you THINK about something, than to do the actual thing? How does anyone go about doing it anyway? How do you hold yourself accountable for when you stumble or fall? And to get back up on that horse after you've fallen is harder yet. All these fears are standing in my way. Worse yet, so is failure. Not that any of my family or friends would consider me a failure if I couldn't do it. They would say good effort, at least you tried, etc. But I would consider me a failure. I would know every time I did something similar that I failed at this before and would feel even worse about myself. And the whole point of doing this in the first place is to change this thought process so that I feel BETTER about myself.

Aaaaagh. I can literally do this. My body can do everything that would be asked of me. But my mind is the weak link. My mind would be the one to say, "Um, I'm too tired", or "You can do it later". And then later never comes. Then I'd think, well just start again tomorrow. But tomorrow it gets easier to say no.

Now that I've got my initial thoughts and fears out there, maybe it'll clear the way to a decision. I definitely don't have a time limit on this. This is just something personal that I could choose to do or not to to do. Wish me luck!

New Toys!

I realized that the perfect thing for Ellison to have now that she's a little older is an exersaucer. Now that she's almost 14 lbs., she's reaking havoc on my back. So, to give her something to do while I try to get things done around the house, I decided to look for a used exersaucer on Craigslist. I found more than a few, and called on one on Monday. I went that morning to look at it, and it was almost unused! The woman selling it said it was her neighbor's, has one child that has used it, and he was in daycare a lot so he hardly ever used it! They were selling it for $35, which I thought was a good deal since retail is $80! I wiped it all down and washed the seat. The only part of it that looks a little used was this soft stacked block toy attachment. When I went online to find out what retail is for the exersaucer, I noticed there was a recall on it. I checked out the recall and the toy that was recalled was soft stacked blocks. I went to the manufacturer website and they're going to send me a replacement toy for free! All I had to do was send them my address and I'll get the new one in about a week! So, Ellison will have a virtually new exersaucer to play in. Here's a few shots of her enjoying the new stimulation...

Reading a book about animals

I think she's trying to talk to me... or burp.
Yea! New toys!

The many faces of Ellison

Ellison has this weird stranger anxiety going on lately. She started this about a month or two ago, and every time she sees someone that she hasn't seen in a while, mainly men, she gets really pouty and stick out her lower lip to show her discontent.

Mama, what's going on?

Who are you?

Mama, I don't think I like him...

I'm scared. Who are you?

Mama, please help me!

Why is everyone laughing at me?!

I'm going to cry now.

Luckily Garrett finally warmed up to my dad and even got to sit on the BIG motorcycle! He looks at ease there, doesn't he?

Sorry, Dad. Hope that her reaction doesn't hurt your feelings. But she's a girl, and she cries easily. I guess this just means that we need to get together more often!

My parent's new boat!

Yesterday Doug and I took the kids to Muskegon to visit my parents. And since it was to be a really hot day, we went for a little ride out on the new boat! It's beautiful, and though it seems a little small for the amount of crap we always have to lug around for two kids (hopefully that'll get better as they get older), it was fun to spend time out on the water in a non-police boat actually built for passenger comfort.

Sgt. Gary Berdinski at the wheel trying not to be "in charge" for once...

There we go! Finally got a "smile" out of him!

Ellison had to be safe too, but her life jacket was a little too big.

Nana and Ellison enjoying the sun

After a little while, Ellison started falling asleep, so we put her down for a nap while we finished cruising Muskegon Lake. Can you believe she actually slept?

Thanks for the fun Mom and Dad!

BIG days at the DeGraaf house...

First, Loki had to have a bath due to unexpected bowel issues in the basement. I should have realized how much hair was going to come off during the brushing when virtually none came off during the bath... Since when did we get a second dog?



Doug is growing pumpkins and tomatoes in our garden. Check out this freakishly big tomato!

In addition to Loki needing a bath and brushing, laundry also had to be done. I do believe that this is every article of clothing that exists in our house. Luckily with Doug's help, it didn't take that long to put away.

Talking with Nana!

Ellison is getting more and more interactive day by day. She loves to make noise (typical girl) and is very expressive. One day while my mom was over, Ellison had a lot to say about the plans my mom was making for her...

My funny kids...

Okay, so in these pictures, Ellison isn't that funny, but she IS aDORable! I was trying to get her to smile for the camera, and she kept sticking her fingers in her mouth, causing this shy-but-cute pose. I guess she is funny because the wider she smiled, the farther she put her hand in her mouth!

One finger...

Whole fist...

Garrett is more and more like Doug everyday... at least he tries to be. When Doug was shaving the other day, he got so upset because he wanted to shave too. So Doug gave him some shaving gel to put on and he was happy.

They grow up so fast, don't they?