A Broken Heart

Today is a saddened day for me. Garrett broke my heart. I'm getting frustrated with the fact that when both Doug and I are around, Garrett chooses Doug for EVERYTHING! He NEVER wants me. Garrett was sitting on the couch with Doug this morning watching cartoons, and I was sitting on the floor next to them. I leaned over to kiss Garrett's hand and he screamed "NO!" and scrambled to get away from me. The worst part was the look he gave me... as if I was the big bad wolf.

I looked Garrett in the eyes for a few moments, trying to understand why he hates me so much, then got up and went into the kitchen and proceeded to ball my eyes out. I couldn't stop. Finally after 10-15 minutes I called my own Mommy. Unfortunately she know the feeling I'm talking about. I'm sure I've done the same thing to her unintentionally. But she knows how I feel. Amidst my tears she reminded me that Garrett is only 2, and he still does things without knowing quite why he does them. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand why what he did hurt me so much. She also reminded me not to take it personally. Although while she was telling me all this, I understood, I still had this ache in my chest. I told her it felt like he broke up with me. This was where the hysteric laughing started.

I'm still a little downhearted right now, but I know that he never meant to hurt my feelings. I'm so quick to cry at this point, that even Doug telling me that I'm a good mom today made me cry. Unfortunately, I also know that this will not be the last time that I've had my heart broken by my kids...

IT'S A GIRL!!!

So here's the money shot (I hope this is that last anyone ever sees of this!). As soon as Melanie (the ultrasound tech) put her little wand on my belly looking for it, I knew. I said, "Is that what I think it is?" She asked what I thought it was. Well, I've been around enough preggers to know that 3 white lines indicates a girl. And I was right! Here's the proof that I'm having a girl!

Here's a good 3D pic of her sweet little face.

A little hand...

And a fairly large looking foot!

A great profile shot! Your can see her heart and spine. And her little lips are parted!

Apparently she likes to lay with her legs curled up just like mommy.

Again with the open mouth. She might be a little chatterbox like her brother.

Another great 3D pic. She's a little pressed up against the placenta, and both arms are up by her head, but the nose and lips look perfect!

Yawn...

So apparently everyone thinks that because I was hoping for a boy that I didn't want a girl. NOT TRUE! I am thrilled to be having a girl! But before I found it was a girl, I really was liking the idea of having another boy. I hope that it didn't come across that way, that I would be disappointed to be having a girl. Regardless, it's a girl and I'm HAPPY! Now, the only problem is finding a name we like... And so the search continues.

The Eternal Name

So, next week Wednesday is my 20 week ultrasound... and the day we find out if it's a boy or a girl. I recently wrote that I really wanted a boy and got very defensive for all the people I KNEW were thinking that I was a horrible person for wanting one sex over the other. But now I find myself wanting a girl, too (though I'm still sure it's a boy).

Mostly I feel very sad for the reason I want a girl. Doug's Grandma DeGraaf has Alzheimer's, and has very recently rapidly declined. I've always known her to be blissfully unaware, but HAPPY. Now, she's crying a lot and emotionally very unstable. Doug's grandpa promised her at the beginning of all this that he would never put her in a nursing home. But he can't take care of an 80 year old woman by himself. And so the decision was made that it was the best thing for her to be taken care of by others in a nursing home.

Doug is taking this pretty hard. ALL of his grandparents are still alive. And I know it's going to be hard on him when she passes. When he told me the news of his grandma, he agreed to the name I was considering for a girl, as long as her middle name was Marjorie (his grandma's first name-debate is still going about spelling).

Even though she's not my grandma... even if we never use the first name I was considering... even though I would never have otherwise chosen the middle name to be Marjorie , it feels RIGHT. And if Grandma doesn't make it to see this little child, I hope that there is always this familiar spark in him/her that makes us stop and smile for reasons we can't begin to understand.

Roller coaster of hormones...

I know its typical to cry at the drop of a hat when you're pregnant. I cried watching the movie Elf in the middle of summer when I was pregnant with Garrett. But lately it feels like so much more. I feel lonely, huge, and dumb. Before everyone gets too confused, let me explain.

Doug and I aren't connected lately. He's busy, I'm busy, and then I'm tired. I'm growing at a faster rate then I did with Garrett. In no time flat I was in maternity clothes, after I lost 10 pounds before pregnancy. Believe me, those compliments aren't there anymore, and if they are, they're falling on deaf ears because I just don't believe them. I'm too huge! And not only am I forgetting things, names, and confusing my son with my cat, I feel like I cannot contribute intellectually in a conversation. I read other's blogs, and the content in them is absolutely amazing. The thought processes are crystal clear and the points being made are points worth taking.

I just don't feel like me. I don't want anyone to think "boo-hoo for Krysia", because this is not a pity party. Just someone please tell me that I am COMPLETELY hormonal and that its all in my head. That way I have some hope for post-pregnancy...

Happy Halloween!

Garrett the ferocious penguin ("Boo!")

Garrett and I pausing to pose for a quick pic while Trick-Or-Treating

Going to get more "nanny" (candy)

We didn't go far on our adventure for candy, just around the cul-de-sac to our neighbors. Believe me, even the 5 pieces of candy he did get is too much for my candy-sensitive boy!