I'm 29 years old, married and have two kids. I work full time as a pharmacy technician. I'm also broken. If someone would've told me that at the age of sixteen I would go through a depression so deep that I would contemplate taking my own life every day, I would've said, "No, not me. I'm too strong willed. I've got plans for my life." But it happened. Twice in fact. Thankfully, I'm still standing here today, with my hubby and two beautiful children whom I absolutely adore.
For a while now, I've been a little overwhelmed. I thought that the stresses of having two kids, one whom is still breastfeeding and NOT sleeping through the night, in addition to my job and the financial concerns of sending my husband back to school full time, were starting to wear on me. I told my boss that I needed some vacation time; time to relax and do what I wanted to do. And I did just that.
Then the fatigue set in. I noticed that since I was out of the mandatory bustle of the pharmacy and I had the leisure to move at my own pace, I was extremely tired all day. I definitely wasn't getting a good nights sleep to start. Ellison is still waking up 2 times a night to feed and very cranky herself when the pipe isn't in her mouth. I'm waking up 6-10 times just to put her pipe back in! During the day all I want to do is sit and watch TV or read. I can only describe it as a general feeling of laziness.
My mood lately is a little off. I have a fairly constant feeling of being "down". No reason, just feel a bit blue. I feel no motivation to do anything, and the aspect of my life taking the brunt of that is attending bible study. I'm so sorry, my friends. But just the thought of going makes me want to burrow myself into my house as much as possible. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING that isn't absolutely necessary to my family life.
I've been going in circles trying to figure out what is wrong with me. At first, I thought it was a little of the baby blues, making a late appearance. Then, I thought it was the hormones. I thought that since my hormone levels are screwed up anyway, then to add breastfeeding on top of it, that my body was a little off and can't get back on track. And my most recent conclusion was... the weather. Lame, I know. But, with daylight savings time forcing darkness on us when we wake and go to sleep, and the mostly cloudy all day grayness that covers us all day, I thought for sure this would have been the problem. Well, it turns out that all three of these are contributing factors to an underlying problem.
I'm broken.
Depression was something that I was hoping to be done with. I feel so different than the last time that I thought, "No, it can't be. I'm not crying all day. I have no thoughts of suicide. I'm just not doing something right." I talked to my doctor's office today, and I'm going to meet with my doctor next week. I have a feeling I know what she's going to say, and that going on medication is going to be part of her solution.
At some point I think I need to accept that this may always be a part of who I am. I don't know why God is allowing me to go through this again. Part of me wants to turn my back in Him because I feel He's broken a promise to me. I know that there HAS to be a reason for this, but also that I may never know why. Right now, all I can do is be the best wife, mom, and pharmacy tech I can be until I'm completely healed and put back together again.
A New Blog
13 years ago
